So, You Want to Marry a Japanese Man?

I was asked my view on marraige and life in Japan for an American woman. Well, I'm an American man married to a Japanese woman so I can't completely identify with your plight, but I can give some insight.

A few things to think about:

1. Japanese men are afraid to leave home.
It doesn't matter if they have lived half their life outside of Japan, they are Japanese. A leopard can not change his stripes. Buddhist, Shinto, Christian or other, it's the same. You can take the man out of Japan but you can't take Japan out of the man. 20 years of life outside Japan down the drain after 5 minutes back in Japan. Young Japanese men sometimes spend a few weeks outside of Japan, but when they return they do a startling imitation of a hermit crab. Japan is safe; like a protective shell. They leave again only under great duress. (also see #5)

2. Japanese men are mamma's boys. (Japan is the Mother's Kingdom)
Their mother's dote on them, spoil them, protect them beyond reason and just generally make it so the boy never really grows up and leaves her. Because of this Japanese men have strong depenancy issues. They call this being a team player, but it really means momma made all the decisions and I don't know how. It is the unusual man who can act independently. Ergo, they are afraid to leave home (Japan)

3. You are the new mom; be like the old mom.
Your Japanese husband will expect you to be his mother first, wife second and mother third. Get used to it. (Reiko says learn how to make miso soup like mom or your husband will complain and go to a restaurant.)

4. Japanese men find self worth in their Jobs (not from God - though they think their boss is god).
A Japanese man has no value without a Job. The better the job ... you got it.
If you are the wife, don't get a better job or higher leadership position because it will mean you are:
a, Better than him (you're a woman, impossible)
b. You are my wife, you can never be equal or better (even if I say so)
c. You are my wife/mother, why aren't you at home making babies, my dinner, doing laundry etc

4a As a corolary to 4: (The Boss is God)
The husband is a slave to his job/boss. He will work all day and all night. He will forget who you are (unless he needs his laundry - or something else from you) and his children will never get to know him. This is changing little by little because of the recession but it is not a natural change.

5. A Japanese man is Japanese. You are not, will never be, cannot be.
That says so much you can not believe how understated that statement is.
"You can never understand me. Japan is a unique culture and you are not Japanese."
Remember this phrase and every time you want to complain, you will hear him say those words to you.

6. Learn Japanese
If you cannot speak Japanese don't bother speaking. No one will listen
Your husband spent at least 6 years studying English in school.
He will not be able to put two coherent words together to save his life.

7. Don't bother learning Japanese
You're not Japanese, no one will listen
You're a woman, even your kids (boys) won't listen

8. You are NOT one of US. (Uchi – Soto)
You are an outsider, your husband's accessory. If he isn't there, neither are you.
You are not one of us, we don't have to consider you (This is a MAJOR complaint of foriegn women in Japan - they are seriously dissed by Japanese female members of their same groups.You are NOT one of US why are you here?)
We marvel at your difference. Your so cute. Oh, what beautiful eyes. Be quiet.

This all might sound a little intimidating but it isn't necessarily all bad if you can surpress your American independent streak and decide you want to be a traditional housewife with relatively lesser outside duties to support your husband and family. Your life can be rather good and happy. (Reiko says if your husband is from the country-side you may have no hope unless you have a lot of patience.) You will never reach the level of professionalism in Japan that you can in America. Japan is a feudal country and women are second class citizens. In Japan you will always be a second class outsider viewed with suspicion. Some say Tokyo is a little easier.

Or you can avoid living in Japan altogether and hope that with a lot of husband training and patience on your part, you and your husband will find common ground. Periods of separation serve a valuable purpose.

Conversely, being an American man married to a Japanese woman is like Heaven. 8-)